sorry for the lack of blogging. This past week has been a bit crazy. A classmate of mine just died and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. Not the dying part, the lack of living a life part. I hope that made sense.
*WARNING: THIS MAY TURN INTO A DEEP BLOG POST*
Anyway, last Tuesday was a pretty crazy day of school. It felt like everyone was walking on eggshells. I cried a total of three times that day. THREE. If you knew me then you'd know that I'm usually the rock, so crying doesn't come often to me. But I'm good now. I didn't know her that well and I guess my grieving process is over. Like I said before, it wasn't the dying part that freaked me out; mostly it was me thinking about how me and this girl were the same age and how at any minute we could die. Kinda depressing, huh? Yeah, well now you know how I feel.
Dying is kind of an important part of our lives. Whether it's tomorrow, next week, or ten years from now. The point is we're all going to die. And yet, we sit here in front of a computer screen reading pointless things everyday. There's an entire world out there that's beyond our homes and neighborhoods and school. But we still choose to sit here with nothing better to do. As crazy as it sounds, some days I just want to leave. I want to throw a few clothes in a duffel bag and just go. But I never do and some days I guess it's that fear that's holding me back. And then some days I look at my friends and family and I wonder why I would ever leave.
But one day, I will. One days I'm going to leave with nothing but a bag of clothes and a full tank of gas and I won't look back. I'm gonna sleep in my car and climb trees and be completely free. But what do I know? I'm just 17.
This is a very touche subject for me, so don't make fun. This is also what death does to me. It makes me think about what else life has to offer.
There's more I could say, but I think I'll save it for the next post, which I promise won't be so sentimental.
I'm really sorry to hear about the girl from your school, were you guys close at all?
ReplyDeleteAnd this is the kind of thing I think about everyday. It's the one thing in the world that can instantly make me crazy. Why am I here in my house, doing nothing with my day, when I could be anywhere else doing anything else? And then it comes down to the fact that I have no money and lot's of fear. Fear and money should not be how you make life decisions, but they're the main reasons for everything I do.
Rant over. Sorry about that hahahahha
Thanks. We were kind of frineds last year, but she got into a bad crowd and we sort of quit talking. For the past few days I feel like I should miss her and feel bad, but I nreally don't. I guess I'm just the person that moves on really quick.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. Sometimes I really do feel like just leaving, but where the hell am I going to go?
This is turning into a very deep conversation.
Deep conversations are gggrrrr-eat!
ReplyDeleteIs it strange that I sometimes I think about how it would be if certain people I knew died and whether or not I would miss them or if it would even actually affect me?
I feel ya giiirl, I mean there's tons of places I WOULD go, but I don't know how I COULD, or how it would work out. I don't think I'm real-world-savvy enough to just go off and figure things out for myself.
Dude, I do that to. Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if I died and how the people around me would react.
ReplyDeleteThere'sore I would put but it's like 3 in the morning.